pronounce dead for me please

"Penetrating gunshot would to the head and brain
Decedent was discovered on his bed with a gunshot wound to his head"
I wonder if Doctor Omori struggles to pull these words
from the synapses of his PhD brain and paste them on a piece of paper
to glue them right
He managed to make an internal rhyme in that second line
I wonder if he noticed.

Is there an etiquette in word choice
when you're trying to describe how a person killed himself?
Certainly,
there must be some degree of professionalism
on a document as official as a death certificate.
Certificate.
We call it certificate as if to say there is some award in dying
Like we are saying here,
this is how you will be remembered:
David Russell Adams
Japanese/Korean/Caucasian
Divorced
Auto Painter
Education - highest grade completed - 12
Suicide; penetrating gunshot wound to the head and brain
Approximate interval between onset and death - Seconds
Decedent was discovered on his bed
with a gunshot wound to his head

Penetrating; that's a pretty big word
And decedent too; don't hear that everyday
Sounds doctoral enough to me

But something I find interesting
is Doctor Omori's repeated use of the words gunshot
wound
and head
It seems Doctor Omori's got his brain on the head
And with good reason; it's the most important part of this ordeal
But why didn't he bother to find more fancy words to describe gunshot, wound, and head?
Why not lesion or cranium?
Maybe the rules of chronicling suicide are not so explicitly defined

I wonder what my father's head looked like
if there was any of it left
Could Doctor Omori see how handsome my father was?
Or did blood, brain guts, and stringy synapses splatter across his face?
Did the sight of a blown off head perturb Doctor Omori?
Or has he seen this time and time again?
with more bodies to pronounce dead after this one?
It was only 11:45 AM
Is my father just another body
pronounced dead?


I hear heartbeats and see crumpled paper when I sleep







Note to self: possible short story?

in full

tonight i took the time to look into the sky
and saw the moon in full
she is at her most beautiful phase tonight
this night is when she shines her brightest
guiding wayward traverlers
through the skies of life
she is what wholeness looks like
she is the most beautiful star
completely alone
completely complete
she is what independence looks like
she is solid
and bright, so bright
the clouds may try to hide her from time to time
but tonight, nothing will hide her beauty
tonight, she radiates in her glory
and you can't help but feel what she's feeling
you can't help but radiate yourself
because she is what it means to be pa'a

if you take the time to look into the sky tonight
you'll see me

look up

pheonix fire

today
i've got nineteen years behind me
and i've been through more than you can imagine
highs in the stars and lows in the fires
i've seen it all yet nothing at all
but today
i'm alive to say that i've made progress
and that i'm gonna keep making progress

today
my heart hurts in more ways than one
there's a lot i need to process
if i am to continue down the road of progress
and it ain't easy
i'm an addict tryna quit old ways cold turkey
and i'm at that phase where it's tempting
to turn around on the road
and go back to what's comfortable

someone once said
that the process is so much stress
but it's the progress that feels the best
and damn, he was right
so i wanna walk back up the road
but i promise i'm not gonna
i promise i'm gonna keep following the road down
because i'm not gonna be that person
ever again

today
i will dance in my confidence
i will look into the mirror and see beauty
i will feel whole completely on my own
i will sing praises to myself
because i've gotten farther in this life than any of you
and you can bet i'm motherfucken proud
today i'm gonna be happy, even if my heart is heavy
cause today, nothing matters but me
today i put the problems on the side
today i won't let other people's shit get to me
today marks the moment in my life in which i turn
i turn toward the future and feel scared
but ready
today is the day i make these resolutions and carry them out
even after the sun goes down
today i remember the past, but settle with it too
today is the day i say i love and thank you all
today is the day i am free
today, world, i am free of my chains

today is my rebirth

one of the hardest things a human must realize

i think the hardest part is watching
watching where you stand
someone shattering
becoming less of what they should be

watching someone make the wrong choices
and there's nothing you can do about it
you can't change people's minds
you can't choose for them
so you just stand and watch
from the distance
someone losing themself
losing their soul
losing their spirit
if they ever even had it in the first place

and as much as you want to help
and feel their pain
and feel like you can do something to help them
you can't
you can't help them
and most of all,
you can't let it bring you down too

and yet, we humans love to feel each other's pain
because misery enjoys company
in fact, it's like a magnet that attracts it
 
i want to help you
but you need to help yourself first

walking dead

how do you save a life
when there are so many options
for committing suicide?

he says he doesn't care
about making lots of money
he just needs a job
any job
but he does care, just like we all do
because surviving on a stretched buck
every month isn't living
it's just another way of dying
to stay alive


he says he'll go into the army
if a job don't come soon
he doesn't want to, but it's an option
pick your poison, as they say
i guess it's a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils
which suicide to choose?
dying by trying to stay alive
or dying by dying for a country
that smashed the faces of our ancestors
with their combat boots
which one would you choose?


but wait, says the devil's advocate
there are still more options
perhaps the poison of repetition, you'll find a better suit
would you like to die the same way your dad did?


he thinks he has a curse
the curse of my father
to catch something wonderful
only to see it crumble in his hands
like sand mixed with clay
the curse of fear
fear to be whole and find who you are
the curse that hurts loved ones
a genetic curse, he thinks
that he tests positive for
and he wants the curse to end
with him


brother,
curses do not exist
unless if you let them

i never took him for a superstitious

how do you save a life
when the person
is already dead?

ghosts, smoke, and mirrors

hearts are fragile
and not to be played with
toyed with
or fucked with

especially the hearts of boys
trying so hard to be men

the only man he's ever known is my grandfather
the only real man
as far as we both know
to ever walk this planet
and he wants to be just like him
but when he looks in the mirror
he tells me that all he sees is david
the ghost that haunts him
and taunts him
still
even after fifteen years
that's what he lives with everyday

and i want to tell him
that mirrors are lies
smokes and tricks behind the glass
mirrors want you to see something terrible in you
that doesn't actually exist
because the mirrors are jealous bitches

don't let the smoke blind you

talk to a brother.

you wanna know what broken
really is?
what it really looks like?
you should see my brother
now that
is broken

he's been broken so many ways
so many times

i can't even begin to figure out
where to start
to tell you
everything he's been through

so how bout we just cut to the chase?
a few nights ago
my brother expressed his thoughts of suicide
up till that night
i had no idea

i mean, i know his life is hard
but i never knew he thought those things
probably because i haven't paid enough attention
because my life is so hard
i have to focus on me
yeah...right. 

i keep telling myself that
but it doesn't justify shit
when your brother's gotten real close
to turning thoughts into actions.

life is so fucking short
and this world has a way of making people want to make it even shorter
i didn't know what to say to him
and i still don't know
and i'm trying to think of things to tell him
to let him know
that going out like dad did
just isn't worth it

i want him to know
he's better than all this
better than this world
better than me
better than god

but i never learned how
to talk to my brother

cicinia

my grandmother and i
we seldom speak to each other
we are perfectly fine
sitting in silence most days
enjoying each others' company

my grandmother
i think she is lonely lots of the time
and there are days where i feel just the same
we live in silence most days
because we can both hear each others' hearts saying
i'm here for you when you are lonely

and that's always more than enough

but tonight
my grandmother broke the silence
and told me stories of her childhood
reminiscing on the simple days of life
life so simple
that it left all the room for imagination
my grandmother lived in a time where children had imagination
when children would dream and think
we do not see children dreaming very much these days

i broke the silence too
asking questions here and there
i was genuinely interested
i pictured her as a young child
exchanging scrapbooks of the old movie stars and starlettes
through the wire fence that divided she and her neighbor
i wanted to know what it's like to use my imagination

it is moments like these
which i cherish with my grandmother
and i will remember them forever

some days i feel like my grandmother will be leaving soon
not because she's overtly unhealthy
but because i think god wants to put her in heaven
with my grandpa
because god can see that she is lonely too
at least i hope he does
because i don't want her to be lonely anymore

she sleeps alone at night
and lives alone during the day
she does not confide her fears or worries in anyone
i look up to her
because she is so independent
but i still fear for her
because even though people don't need other people
and even though we don't need to be with the one we love

everyone wants to be with the one they love
and no one should be forced to live without them
unless they choose it themselves

my grandmother didn't get to choose

yesterday my mother told me we might be moving
and if we do, grandma isn't living with us
in an instant
every single bad thing i'd ever said to my grandma
every single moment i hadn't appreciated enough
every single time i hadn't paid enough attention to her
came flooding through my brain
with electric shocks to my heart
and i felt guilty
and mad

i've had just about nineteen years with my grandmother
and how much do i know about her past?
her fears?  her triumphs?  her thoughts?
very little
most days my grandmother and i live in silence
i'm going to change that. 

progress

today
i was completely alone
and today
for the first time in a long time
i was completely okay with that

found poem 2

down to the wire
if this is what it takes
to take me even higher
then i'll come through
like i do
when the world keeps
testing me
testing me
testing me

it's sad that this is the only way we communicate what we're feeling

broken this
broken that
broken promises
broken hearts
broken bones

brake...

i'm beginning to think "broken"
is the only word she knows of
well i've got new for her
everything is broken
or has been broken
at some point in time
yes, everything has been broken

things are supposed to break
that's how the pieces get put back together
to make something better
that's how things evolve

see, she forgets
that nothing and no one is perfect
and i think she thinks she's supposed to be

if she were perfect,
i would not love her
no one loves to be around someone that doesn't break
because then they would never grow
and i like a person who can grow

and, you see, she forgets also
that she grows
everyday, she grows
i miss being a part of that growth
i miss seeing her grow
i hope she is flourishing

because i'd like to see how much taller she stands
in the end of this
and maybe she'll see
that even though i'm four foot ten
we can stand tall
together

you see, i don't want her to give up
i don't want her to give up
i don't want her to give up
on us
but i think she is
and every day i don't talk to her
i feel more and more like she's slipping away
like she is forgetting
that what we have
is so much more
than skin
and blood
and heart
and body
no, what we have cannot be contained
cannot be constrained
by these insignificant human entities

what we have is soul
and a soul cannot be contained by anything
but she is trying, i think
she is trying to contain the soul we share
because she is afraid
afraid of hurting me
afraid of hurting her
afraid of a lot of things
so she is enclosing

this isn't something that can be contained.

please don't forget this while you're waiting for the wash cycle to end

i would hate to be my clothes
spinning, spinning
twisting
tumbling
spinning
drowning

i would regurgitate if clothes could

i would hate to be my clothes
but some days
i feel like i am
some days
i feel like life is drowning me
and spinning me so fast that there is no way out
no way to stop its centripetal force
no way to slow things down and do them my way

so many things i would have done different
so many more times i would have said
i love you
so many more moments i would have taken the opportunity
to let you know
that you are the only one
that you are beautiful
that you are no monster
no
you're not
so stop telling yourself that

we are my clothes, whether we like it or not
we are spinning and twisting in the washing machine
we are drowning and tumbling and things are out of control
we are purging and processing 
but every wash cycle must come to an end
and baby,
together in the end 
we will be clean

please, baby

most hours
i don't think of you
i try real hard not to
keep myself busy
surround myself around people
it helps

but there are moments
where i have no choice
but to be alone
where i think of you
long for you

the memories flooding my synapses
and i get that rush
i felt the first time we kissed
the first time you touched me as more than just a friend
more than just a lover
but someone whom you've fallen in love

and i can feel that toe curling
back arching
nail digging
screaming in pleasure feeling
i saw so many more of those in our future
and i wish we had more in our past

but now they are just in my dreams
and they taunt me
i miss you
i want you
i love you
i am in love with you

and if you do come back to me in the end
i promise
this love will be forever

and if you don't come back to me in the end
i promise
this love will be forever

i will never forget.
i will never stop.
don't you either.