cicinia

my grandmother and i
we seldom speak to each other
we are perfectly fine
sitting in silence most days
enjoying each others' company

my grandmother
i think she is lonely lots of the time
and there are days where i feel just the same
we live in silence most days
because we can both hear each others' hearts saying
i'm here for you when you are lonely

and that's always more than enough

but tonight
my grandmother broke the silence
and told me stories of her childhood
reminiscing on the simple days of life
life so simple
that it left all the room for imagination
my grandmother lived in a time where children had imagination
when children would dream and think
we do not see children dreaming very much these days

i broke the silence too
asking questions here and there
i was genuinely interested
i pictured her as a young child
exchanging scrapbooks of the old movie stars and starlettes
through the wire fence that divided she and her neighbor
i wanted to know what it's like to use my imagination

it is moments like these
which i cherish with my grandmother
and i will remember them forever

some days i feel like my grandmother will be leaving soon
not because she's overtly unhealthy
but because i think god wants to put her in heaven
with my grandpa
because god can see that she is lonely too
at least i hope he does
because i don't want her to be lonely anymore

she sleeps alone at night
and lives alone during the day
she does not confide her fears or worries in anyone
i look up to her
because she is so independent
but i still fear for her
because even though people don't need other people
and even though we don't need to be with the one we love

everyone wants to be with the one they love
and no one should be forced to live without them
unless they choose it themselves

my grandmother didn't get to choose

yesterday my mother told me we might be moving
and if we do, grandma isn't living with us
in an instant
every single bad thing i'd ever said to my grandma
every single moment i hadn't appreciated enough
every single time i hadn't paid enough attention to her
came flooding through my brain
with electric shocks to my heart
and i felt guilty
and mad

i've had just about nineteen years with my grandmother
and how much do i know about her past?
her fears?  her triumphs?  her thoughts?
very little
most days my grandmother and i live in silence
i'm going to change that.